Tupperware

A few years ago, I wrote about my newly organized tea drawer. Amazingly, it’s still organized. And then….there’s my Tupperware drawer. I have a huge drawer in my kitchen, prime real estate, dedicated to plastic containers and lids.  It is a regular source of frustration. I used to collect any old plastic container. Then I went to color coded – one brand – clear bottoms and red tops. How do they disappear the way they do? Kind of like socks….you put a matched pair in the washer, and who knows what comes out of the dryer.

So I started to think about whether this is a metaphor for something in life. Some aspects of life are close-to-perfectly matched sets. Perhaps a job you LOVE. Sometime aspects of life are unmatched sets, like living in a cold climate when you can’t deal with winter anymore. We all probably have some of each in our lives.

For many of us, we have a variety of relationships. Some are really close, and feel easy and well connected.  Some are a bit more difficult, but we make the best of it. Some relationships just don’t fit at all.

With friendships, if the match becomes strained over time, we can back off on the relationship, or limit contact. Since we spend limited time with our friends anyway, we might very well accept the strengths of that friendship with the less satisfying aspects, as they might do with us. We want to be thoughtful about ending long-time friendships that change over time, because we know that friendships are not always that easy to come by.

Where this might get trickier is with spouses and partners. Over time, we grow. We change. Our interests change. Our energy or our health changes. What was an easily fitting set might feel a little more challenging.

And what do we do about that? We talk, we discuss, we gently bring up the gaps. We decide (together) to do some things separately. We find a new interest together. We adjust, we compromise. We make it a point to be conscious of our shared interests and experiences. We travel together. We travel separately.

In my practice, I talk to a lot of people with difficult family dynamics and relationships. Families are complicated. There is a lot more estrangement than I would have imagined. I do understand that sometimes estrangement is the only way. But it still makes me a little sad, like I wish there was a way to find some common ground. Maybe because I come from such a small family, and there is not much wiggle room for cutting off contacts.

There are well-known therapists who write, blog and podcast on the topic of estrangement. Some of these therapists focus their work on how to help the parties heal the wound. Other therapists actively encourage people to cut ties with toxic people in their lives. And there are other options in between. With my clients, I try to listen to their hurts and their hopes, and look for a small step to take if they wish to try to have a relationship with that person.

This Tupperware metaphor applies to other things than relationships. Running, and the wear and tear it takes on one’s knees may no longer be a good fit. Another activity may need to be substituted. For a new parent, taking the train downtown every day for work might need to give way to a job where they can work some days from home. Going to visit family out of town for holidays may need to change when the kids get involved in all their activities.

Life is not a perfect fit. It’s definitely nice when the tops and bottoms match. But it’s OK when they don’t. A little aluminum foil will substitute in a pinch.